The High-Achieving Expat Paradox
Originally featured on the Nomadic Diaries podcast - this is a thorough analysis of the hidden struggles that are frequently not discussed by successful expats.
Picture this: You've landed your dream job in an exciting new country. Your LinkedIn profile looks impressive, your Instagram feed is full of exotic locations, and everyone back home thinks you're living the life. But behind the polished exterior, you're struggling to sleep, finding it hard to make genuine connections, and questioning whether this move was the right choice.
If this resonates, you're not alone. You're experiencing what I call the High-Achieving Expat Paradox - when external success abroad masks internal struggles that we're often too ashamed to acknowledge.
Meet Lucy Boland: From Serial Expat to Expert Guide
In a recent episode of Nomadic Diaries, I had the privilege of speaking with Lucy Boland, an expat coach and International PR Consultant who has spent 20 years living across five countries - the US, UK, Germany, Spain, and France. Having recently repatriated to Poland with her family, Lucy brings a unique perspective on the expat journey, combining personal experience with professional expertise in helping high-achievers navigate life abroad.
Lucy's passion extends beyond coaching - she's currently training for a marathon to raise funds for Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM), a charity focused on mental health support. This connection between expat mental health and charitable advocacy perfectly illustrates the deeper issues we explored in our conversation.
The Polished Exterior vs. Internal Reality
Here's what Lucy sees repeatedly in her coaching practice: accomplished professionals who appear to have it all together on the surface, but privately struggle with challenges they feel unable to voice.
The hidden struggles include:
- Difficulty forming genuine, deep connections in new environments
- Challenges adapting to different workplace cultures and social norms
- Disrupted sleep patterns, changes in eating habits, or loss of hobbies
- Work-life imbalance in unfamiliar settings
- A profound loss of purpose or direction after relocation
- Internal conflict about expressing difficulties due to guilt over their "privileged" situation
The problem? High-achievers are conditioned to handle everything independently. They've built their identities around competence and success, making it incredibly difficult to admit when they're struggling - especially when they feel they should be grateful for the opportunity to live abroad.
The Weight of Expectations
Lucy explains that expats often carry a heavy emotional burden. Whether they initiated the move for career advancement or relocated to support a partner's opportunities, they feel responsible for making it work. This self-imposed pressure, combined with societal expectations of self-sufficiency, creates a perfect storm for isolation and internal struggle.
The consequences of this reluctance to seek help are significant:
- Missed opportunities for genuine connection and vulnerability
- Increasing emotional distance from friends and family back home
- Undervaluing their own cross-cultural achievements
- A gradual erosion of confidence in new cultural settings
When Home Becomes a Foreign Concept
One of the most profound challenges Lucy addresses is the growing disconnect with friends and family back home. As expats accumulate experiences that others can't relate to, communication becomes increasingly difficult. How do you explain the subtle challenges of navigating a new culture to someone who's never left their hometown?
This emotional distance often leads expats to suffer in silence, feeling that their struggles are too unique or "privileged" to warrant sympathy. Lucy's mission is clear: encouraging expats not to suffer alone and helping them recognize that their challenges are valid, regardless of how their life might appear to others.
Rebuilding Confidence Across Cultures
Living abroad requires a fundamental recalibration of confidence. What worked in your home country might not translate directly to your new environment. Lucy emphasizes that confidence itself is defined differently across cultures - what's considered assertive in one country might be seen as aggressive in another.
Lucy's strategies for rebuilding confidence include:
- Observe before acting - Take time to understand the cultural context
- Ask questions without shame - Curiosity is your friend in new environments
- Adapt your style - Flexibility is a strength, not a compromise
- Grow confidence anew - Treat it as a skill to be developed, not a fixed trait
Building Your Tribe: The Art of Strategic Connection
Perhaps the most crucial element for thriving abroad is building a supportive community. Lucy advocates for being strategic about relationships, recognizing that different connections serve different purposes in your expat life.
She introduces the concept of compartmentalizing friendships using the wheel of life framework, which includes eight key areas:
- Career - Mentors and professional networks
- Friendship/Family - Close confidants and emotional support
- Finances - Your relationship with money and financial planning
- Hobbies/Recreation - Activity-based friendships and interests
- Environment - Your physical surroundings and living situation
- Personal Development - Growth-oriented connections and learning
- Health - Physical, mental, and spiritual well-being
- Significant Relationships - Romantic partnerships and key family ties
Building community requires:
- Being open to different types of connections beyond your usual "type"
- Participating in activities and hobbies as gateways to relationships
- Letting go of preconceptions about how friendships should develop
- Recognizing that some friendships might be temporary due to the transient nature of expat communities
Understanding Your Expat Type
Lucy identifies several categories of expats based on their journey stage, each with unique challenges:
Expats-to-be face anticipatory anxiety and logistical overwhelm
First-time/honeymoon expats experience the eventual reality check when initial excitement fades
Repeat expats deal with relocation fatigue and comparisons between experiences
Long-term expats grapple with identity questions and the concept of "home"
Understanding your category helps you approach challenges with self-compassion rather than self-criticism.
Redefining Home: A Decision, Not a Place
One of the most powerful concepts Lucy shares is treating home as a decision rather than a geographic location. This reframe can be incredibly liberating for expats caught between worlds, feeling like they're betraying one place by embracing another.
This decision-making approach helps address the emotional complexity of settling down versus continuing the adventure, and the identity questions that arise around belonging.
The Interconnected Nature of Expat Well-being
Lucy's coaching reveals how improvements in one area of life create ripple effects across others. Addressing career satisfaction might improve your relationship with money. Building better friendships could enhance your physical health. This holistic approach to well-being recognizes that expat challenges rarely exist in isolation.
Moving Forward: Your Expat Happiness Action Plan
Based on Lucy's insights, here's how to start addressing the high-achieving expat paradox:
Immediate steps:
- Acknowledge that your struggles are valid, regardless of external perceptions
- Assess your current situation using the wheel of life framework
- Identify which type of expat you are and what challenges to expect
- Be strategic about building different types of relationships
Ongoing practices:
- Practice vulnerability in safe relationships
- Celebrate your cross-cultural achievements, no matter how small
- Stay connected with home while building new roots
- Seek professional support when needed - it's a sign of strength, not weakness
The Bottom Line
The high-achieving expat paradox is real, common, and completely addressable. Success abroad isn't just about career advancement or Instagram-worthy experiences - it's about building a life that feels authentic and fulfilling, even when it's complicated.
As Lucy's work demonstrates, the path to expat happiness isn't about having it all figured out. It's about being honest about your struggles, strategic about your relationships, and compassionate with yourself as you navigate the beautiful complexity of life between worlds.
Remember: choosing to make a place home is an ongoing decision, not a one-time event. Give yourself permission to struggle, to seek help, and to redefine success on your own terms.
Lucy Boland is an expat coach and International PR Consultant who helps high-achieving professionals navigate life abroad. You can connect with her through her website, LinkedIn, or Facebook. Her marathon fundraising for CALM continues to support mental health awareness in the expat community.
For more stories and insights about international living, subscribe to the Nomadic Diaries podcast and explore our archive of expat experiences from around the world.
Doreen Cumberford
Host/Author/Coach/CrossCulturalTrainer
Doreen Cumberford helps globally mobile expats, digital nomads and returnees to create happier, easier and more successful transitions while relocating overseas.
A Certified Coach, 30-year licensed Practitioner, Doreen speaks, writes, and teaches about the principles and practices necessary to navigate mobility from cradle to grave, or from launch to landing with a more ease and grace.
The author of Life in the Camel Lane, Embrace Your Adventure and Arriving Well, she is currently writing Sequel: How To Move Home After Living Overseas.
A native of Scotland, having lived in a wide variety of communities in 8 countries, over four decades and on 4 continents has enabled her to support people who live and travel overseas in creating more satisfying lives and build their dreams no matter where they land.
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